


wonders lost and wounded

by melancholydreadfuldream



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), F/M, Time Lord Victorious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25587385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholydreadfuldream/pseuds/melancholydreadfuldream
Summary: The Doctor has lost so much and he has gotten a bit dark but will you still stay with him or leave?all warnings inside.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Reader, The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Reader
Kudos: 38





	wonders lost and wounded

**Fandom: Doctor Who**

**Pairing: 10th Doctor x Reader**

**Summary: The Doctor has lost so much and he has gotten a bit dark but will you still stay with him or leave?**

**Warning: ooc, angst, plot holes, dark!doctor, manipulation, death, etc. You have been warned.**

**More warning: English is not my first language so beware of the headache you will receive upon reading this.**

The Doctor sighed in relief and disbelief as he realized he is still alive. He chuckled. “I’m still alive.” Maybe the prophecy is wrong after all, he thought.

He turned to you who were knocked unconscious on the floor a few feet away from him. He crawled toward you to check you for injuries. He is relieved knowing you are fine too.

You slowly woke up under his touches. “D-doctor…” You whispered groggily.

The Doctor grinned at you. “We are alive.” He said and pulled you into a hug.

You were surprised at his sudden show of affection but you were not complaining. You knew about the prophecy, he had told you before about the four knocks. You both thought it was about the Master.

You smiled at him too, relieved, thinking he is able to cheat the prophecy.

He chuckled again until four sharp knocks were heard. The dread you both felt was so great as you both turned around slowly and saw Wilfred, trapped in the radiation booth. 

And the Doctor knew then, he still trapped to fulfill the prophecy of his death.

You knew what will happened next. You thought the Doctor will have to sacrifice himself to save Wilfred.

You listened numbly as the Doctor explained the situation to Donna’s beloved grandfather.

“Can’t you just open the door?” Wilfred asked.

“The Master left the nuclear bot running and it’s gone into overload.”

“That’s bad, is it?”

“No cos all the excess radiation gets vented inside there. Vinvocci glass. Contains it. All 500.000 rads about to flood that thing.”

“Well better let me out then yeah?” Wilfred said with a chuckle.

The Doctor doesn’t laugh. "Except it’s gone critical. Touch one control and it floods.“ He pulled his sonic screwdriver. "Even this would set it off.”

“I’m sorry.” Wilfred looked a bit scared but also resigned.

“You had to go and get stuck. Cos that’s who you are, Wilfred. You were always this. Waiting for me all this time.” The Doctor said calmy but you could sense the rage and despair in his voice.

“Oh really just leave me. I’m an old man, Doctor, I’ve had my time.” Wilfred said softly.

“Well, exactly look at you. Not remotely important.” The Doctor said in such a ruthless tone.

You stared at him in disbelief. You knew he is working on the acceptance of his upcoming death but his words are cruel. You didn’t say anything though. You wanted to comfort him but you got the sense he will refuse any comfort right now.

“But me…I could do so much more. So much more! But this is what I get. My reward.” The Doctor raged at the world. “And it’s not fair!!”

You flinched when he threw some stuff on the floor in his anger. Your heart ached for the Doctor. You wish you could do something, anything to help him at this moment.

You know you could choose to sacrifice yourself in his place but you were too afraid. You can’t judge him for wanting to live. He is right. He deserve to live longer. But he need to save Wilfred. The Doctor will die but he will regenerate, you know this.

**“I don’t accept it.”**

You turned to look at the Doctor at what he said.

The Doctor’s words chilled you to the bone. He sounded so cold. “I’m sorry, Wilfred, I’m so sorry.” He said. “I refused to die here.”

“Doctor…” You whispered his name. You didn’t know what to say, too horrified at the thought that he is willing to let Wilfred die.

The Doctor didn’t even look at you. He still staring at Wilfred with a dispassionate look.

Wilfred glanced at the Doctor and nodded his acceptance.

“No.” You said. “Doctor, you can’t just let him die. He is Donna’s grandfather.” You grabbed his arms, pleading at him. “There has to be a way.”

“There is no other way. Would you rather I die instead, (name)?” The Doctor asked you insensitively.

“That’s not fair. I would never wish for your death, you know this.” You answered with tears on your eyes. “But, Wilfred…”

“It’s okay, (name).” Wilfred said. “I have lived a good life. I am old. Sooner later I will die.”

“Not like this.” You said to him. “Not like this.” You turned to the Doctor. “Donna would never forgive you if she know…” You knew it was cruel to bring up Donna but you just wanted the Doctor to snap out of whatever the state he is in. He frightened you. He sounded like the Time Lord Victorious back at Mars.

The Doctor flinched. He turned and glared at you. “Then, it’s a good thing that she will never know.”

“Doctor, please, you are scaring me…” You begged him.

He won’t budge from his position and you didn’t know what it is you are trying to make him do. You wanted him to save Wilfred but you didn’t want him to die either. So, what are you going to do now?

You couldn’t think straight as you made your way toward the booth but before you could reach it, the Doctor grabbed your arms roughly. 

“Don’t even think about it.” He hissed at you. “You can’t regenerate. You will die.”

You turned to him, tears in your eyes. You didn’t want to die either, part of you is relieved he stopped you but all you know is you can’t let Wilfred die here, certainly not because the Doctor choose not to save him.

“Doctor, you can’t just let him die…”

“I can’t always save everyone.” He said callously.

You flinched.

“It’s okay, (name), it’s alright.” Wilfred said comfortingly at you.

The Doctor pulled you away from the booth. You didn’t stop looking at Wilfred. He is still smiling gently as he resigned to his fate. You turned toward the Doctor and blanched at how unfeeling he seemed as he stared at Wilfred.

7777

The Doctor has dragged you back into his Tardis. 

He had done it. He cheated death, he broke the prophecy. He will live on. He is victorious.

The Doctor smiled.

You couldn’t believe your eyes. How could he be smiling like this after he let someone he close to die? 

You were still shaking and in shock after leaving Wilfred to his death. You wiped your tears and you turned away from the console room and back into your room aboard the Tardis.

You sat on the floor, hugging your knees. You didn’t know how long you were on the floor. You couldn’t think straight.

7777

You first joined the Doctor in his current incarnation. He was traveling with Rose at the time. He invited you to travel with him and Rose. Rose never like you, thinking you were her competition. You did started having feeling for the Doctor but you could tell he loves Rose so you never tried anything with him. 

You stayed with him even after he lost Rose. But you were never good enough for him. At long night when he especially missed Rose, he would glance at you and you could tell what he was thinking. Why you? Why can’t Rose be the one who gets to stay by his side?

He would feel guilty when he saw your hurt look but he never apologies.

You were grateful when Martha joined the Tardis. You got along well with Martha. You and Martha were both miserable with the love you both felt for the Time Lord. You bonded with the fact the Doctor always compare you both with the awesomeness that is Rose Tyler.

It surprised you at all that John Smith ended up falling in love with you during the period of hiding from the family of blood. Oh it was hard for you to fend off John’s affection for you. You couldn’t bear the thought that when John disappeared, the Doctor will remember everything he did as John. You were mortified, especially knowing his true feeling for Rose.

However John is very persistent in wanting to court you and he is so adorably awkward about it. If thing is different, if John is just a simple human, you could see yourself falling in love with his charm. But you know better. Or at least, you should have.

And yet despite knowing this, you ended up accepting his courting. Martha supported you albeit a bit bitter about it. You can’t blame her for you would be too in her place.

John would always smile at you whenever he saw you, offer his arm as he took you out on a stroll into town. He shared with you his weird dream and his journal. That made you felt guilt because you know the truth about his real identity. You saw his drawing of Rose. Even as a human, this version of the Doctor is still fascinated with the idea of Rose.

He draws your picture in his journal and he was very good at it. You thought he have made you too beautiful and told him so. He had said that is how he see you. 

And you realized he did see you when the Doctor himself didn’t. You both shared a look and he kissed you.

If it’s not for Martha’s interference, you would have been sweep away by your passion for John. You felt bad for Martha when John shouted at her for not knocking before entering his room. 

You tried to leave despite John’s insistence to stay. “This is a mistake.” You said without thinking.

John looked hurt. But it was the truth. You shouldn’t have let him kiss you or kissed him back in return. You were ashamed that you have no self-control.

He tried to stop you from leaving but you were a coward as you ran out of his embrace.

You hated yourself for being so weak, for easily falling in love with John just for his show of affection of you, even knowing full well that he has an expired date. What were you thinking? Stupid!

You talked to Martha about it. You apologized to her for everything she has to endure in this period and for having John’s heart. Martha, brave-heart Martha, never blame you and she understood you. You were grateful for her friendship.

When the family of blood attacked, John were attending dance party with Joan, the matron who have her eyes on John ever since the first time they met. You thought he did that on purpose to make you jealous, to hurt you as you have hurt him when you rejected him. 

You and Martha raced against time to find the pocket watch containing Doctor’s time lord consciousness. You and Martha had to convinced John to open the watch but he refused to do so even after you both explained everything about the Doctor and his current enemy.

John glanced at you mournfully. “Did you love him, this Doctor?”

You didn’t know how to answer him. You wanted to lie but you found you couldn’t lie to him. “I love him.”

“And did he love you back?”

Your heart ached at the question. You shook your head. 

“Then how can I return to be him when he didn’t even love you?”

“John…”

“I don’t want to go…” He whispered brokenly. “Why can’t I stay?”

You pulled him into your embrace. Tears filled your eyes as your heart ached for this man, John Smith. 

“Promise me something, (name).” John whispered to you. “If this man, this Doctor, would never love you back, promise me you won’t stay with him. You deserved someone who loved you back. You find that person. Can you do that?”

You glanced up at him. You hesitantly nodded. You didn’t know if you could keep your promise but you made that promise anyway.

After he returned back into the Doctor, you noticed he started treating you a bit differently. Martha said she caught him staring at you a few times. You believed it was a remnant of John’s feeling for you and yet it still not enough for the Doctor to do something about it. So you both tried to ignore the elephant in the room. But Martha is right though, you kept catching him giving you a look. You wondered if he remembered the promise you made to John and whether you would ever act on it.

You lost the only family you have left in the world during your travel with the Doctor. You didn’t even get to say goodbye. You were devastated. The Doctor and Martha were thankfully there for you. The Doctor granted you a chance to say goodbye to your mother and you were eternally grateful to him and his Tardis.

Afterward you needed a break from the Tardis but you made the Doctor promised to come back for you when you are ready. You reunited again with them on Valiant when the Master arranged his people to kidnap you. It was painful year for everyone involved. You were so glad when the Doctor and Martha defeated the Master and time is reset.

Martha left the Tardis after the fiasco with the Master. She warned you not to put your life on hold for the Doctor. You wished you could take her advice but maybe you are still one sick puppy for you let yourself burn over and over again for him.

The Doctor invited Donna to join you both. You got along with Donna. You love how she took no nonsense from the Doctor. You remembered your first meeting with her in her wedding dress. She never stop yelling or slapping the Doctor. It was funny. You thought Donna is exactly the kind of companion the Doctor needs. You loved watching the two exchanged banters, it was very entertaining.

You thought you could keep your feeling for the Doctor under wrap but Donna noticed it. Despite her teasing and support, you refused to act on her crude advice regarding the Doctor.

Then Rose returned. She always is possessive of the Doctor. She doesn’t like that you were still there with the Doctor. She is afraid that you will take her place in the Doctor’s hearts. She really need not to worry for you know the Doctor only has eyes for one Rose Tyler. You could never compete with her.

With Rose returned, you know it was time to take Martha’s advice and keep your promise to John about leaving the Doctor for good. At least that is your plan until everything fall apart around you. The Doctor once again stranded Rose in the bad wolf bay and gifting her a gift of a life with Metacrisis Doctor. Then, he had to erase Donna’s memories of everything pertaining the Doctor. 

You can’t leave him now. You can’t let him be alone. He is the loneliest man in the universe and you wish to ease his loneliness even for just a bit. So you stayed for him.

The Doctor treated you differently now. He is more affectionate with you. You were confused and you couldn’t help the hope rising in your heart even though you knew he is just using you. You found you didn’t mind. How pathetic you can be? So hungry for his affection that you would be anything he want.

He frightened you though during a trip to the Mars. At first he insisted to leave for he doesn’t want to mess with a fixed point in time. But he changed his mind when he saved some of the crews’ lives. You were properly scared when he proclaimed himself the Time Lord Victorious. You thought he snapped out of it when Adelaide committed suicide to keep the timeline in tact. 

Now with what happening with Wilfred, you have to wonder if he is still the Time Lord Victorious.

7777

You felt guilty. You knew it was out of your control and yet you still felt guilty anyway. You had nightmare about Wilfred. You couldn’t stop shaking every time you woke up in cold sweat.

The Doctor acted as if nothing has changed, grinning at you and talking about the next trip he planned for the both of you.

You couldn’t stand it so you asked to be taken home even though there is nothing for you at home. You needed a break from the Doctor so that you can sort out your mind.

A dark expression crossed his feature immediately, making you winced as you took unconscious step back away from him.

“Okay.” He said solemnly.

You blinked in surprise and confusion. You glanced at him, wondering if your mind just played a trick on you earlier.

He smiled at you and talked you about giving it a few days for him to prepare a last hurrah for you. 

You couldn’t refuse when you watched how excited the Doctor as he was planning that last hurrah thing.

7777

True to his words, he planned a very exciting trip for you. You had a lot of fun that day. You laughed along with the Doctor. He would grab your hands tightly as he made you run as he showed you the wonder of the universe.

He glanced at you fondly, grinning boyishly. You love the sound of his laughter. 

And then he kissed you.

You were stunned.

He cupped your face gently, pulling your chin up as he continues kissing you.

“Doctor, what are you doing?” You asked in hurt tone.

He glanced down at you, putting his forehead over yours and let out a soft sigh. “Can’t you tell?”

“Are you trying to stop me from leaving by doing this? Kissing me?”

“I don’t want you to go.” The Doctor whispered in your ear. “Stay with me?” He is distracting you with kisses on the neck.

“Doctor, I…”

Your mind short-circuits when he kissed you again.

And so, you give in to him the next time he asked you to stay.

7777

Ever since that day, your relationship with the Doctor changed. He kissed you a lot, not that you are complaining, you just still not sure whether you were a couple or not. You were too afraid to make confirmation though. So, yeah, you did indeed stay with him again. 

He was smiling and grinning a lot and still talked really fast over everything like over excited puppy. The dark look that alarmed you before never made appearance again until Jackson Lake.

The Doctor took you to London on Christmas Eve in 1851 where you encountered a man that the Doctor thought to be his future regeneration. Soon the both of you are pulled into the cybermen fiasco where the Doctor learn the man he met is not a future version of himself. His name is Jackson Lake. His mind got infused with cybermen infostamp which made him believe he is the Doctor.

It was there you once again saw the Time Lord Victorious. He let Jackson Lake fell into the time vortex along with the cybermen. He didn’t even bother to try to save him.

You confronted him about it much to his displeasure.

“I can’t always save everyone. You know this.”

You couldn’t believe him. You knew he could have; he just chooses not to. “Is this who you are from now on, Doctor? You would just let people die.”

“I did the best I can do in the situation.”

“Yeah? And will one day you would do that to me too? Someday you will just choose not to save me?" 

He glared at you as he moved toward you, causing you to flinch in fear. You thought he would hit you. He trapped you instead between him and the wall.

The Doctor cupped your cheeks with his hands. "I will always do everything in my power to save you, (name).”

You were stunned to see the sorrow in his eyes.

7777

There were times that you wanted to leave the Doctor but then he will do something that made you feel too guilty to ever leave him behind. So, you never did leave him.

You and the Doctor ended up in Leadworth where you met Amy Pond while the Doctor deals with Prisoner Zero and the Atraxi. 

Amy told you she has a message for you from her raggedy Doctor. You were confused. She took you to her house to her bedroom and told you to touch the crack on her wall.

You were hesitant at first but you eventually did.

You found yourself in some white space and you saw a man who Amy claimed is the raggedy Doctor.

_The man smiled at you fondly. “(name)…”_

_“Who are you?”_

_“I’m the Doctor.”_

_“But you can’t be.”_

_“Well, I was supposed to be the Doctor until he, your Doctor, changed his path.” He said._

_Suddenly the surrounding around you changed into the time where the Doctor were still with Wilfred, only this time you saw the Doctor walked inside the booth, allowing Wilfred to survive another day. You watched in tears as the Doctor made his goodbyes trip and his heart-breaking final words which reminded you of John. Then he regenerated into the man you saw, the so-called raggedy Doctor._

_You blinked suddenly when you realized you weren’t with the Doctor in these visions. “Where am I? Why am I not with you?”_

_The Doctor looked so sad. “Oh, (name), remember Mars?”_

_You nodded hesitantly._

_“Do you remember what happened after Mars?”_

_“You mean with Adelaide…?”_

_“After that…”_

_You pondered about it. “I was in the Tardis with the Doctor.”_

_“And then what? Where did you both go?”_

_You frowned when you realized you didn’t remember. “I don’t…”_

_The raggedy Doctor has such a sorrowful look as he look at you. He cupped your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, (name).”_

_You felt like choking. “What is going on? I don’t understand.”_

You woke up on the Tardis med-bay. The Doctor, your Doctor, apparently found you unconscious in some empty house. The owner of the house apparently were in a coma, a victim of Prisoner Zero.

You didn’t tell the Doctor of what you saw.

7777

You and the Doctor encountered River Song in the Byzantium. You were annoyed watching River flirted with the Doctor. You watched the Doctor tentatively flirted back much to your disbelief.

River then explained why she called the Doctor here and asked him about what he know of weeping angel. There was supposed to be only one angel. However, it turned out this time, the Doctor didn’t notice the danger the weeping angel pose as you and everyone involved were in the middle of the angels army waking up.

Despite the Doctor warning for you to stay close, you ended up got lost and you screamed when you met face to face with one of the angels.

You woke up feeling weak inside the Tardis med-bay and you distinctly heard the Doctor arguing with someone, arguing with River, apparently.

It sounded very heated. River looked pissed and the Doctor looked annoyed.

“It was very stupid and foolish, not to mention, cruel!” You heard River yelling at the Doctor.

“Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand.”

“Oh I understand more than you think, Doctor.”

You choose that moment to cough.

The Doctor and surprisingly, River, fussed over you immediately.

You touched your stiff neck. “Ow, I think I sleep wrong, my neck is killing me…” You whined.

The Doctor and River exchanged a look but it went unnoticed by you.

7777

You were shaking in fury and in tears.

Earlier that day, during routine adventure, you and the Doctor naturally gotten into trouble. By the end of it, you were taken hostage. And as you always dreaded, he chooses not to save you.

At first the Doctor has threatened them with his usual no second chance thing, his oncoming storm vibe. His eyes cold and calculating as he stared down the people who took you.

Your eyes widened in disbelief and hurt when he said to the alien to go ahead and kill you. You felt so betrayed. Even the said alien was confused with the Doctor’s sudden change in mood.

The Doctor’s firm look betrayed nothing of what he planned. He just stood there with flat look even as the alien insisted he will kill you. Instead you saw him lifted his sonic screwdriver at your direction.

You must have fainted at some point because you woke up on the Tardis med-bay unharmed. You cried though when you recalled what happened.

The Doctor entered the room and dare to look happy to see you awake after he just betrayed you like that. How can you trust him again?

You were so furious. You refused to hear his explanation that he was just bluffing and that everything turned out okay. 

“(name), you need to trust me. I would never abandon you.” The Doctor said as he grabbed my arms.

“Take me home, Doctor. I am done. I can’t stay here anymore. I don’t feel safe with you anymore.” You said with tears, ignoring his pleading eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t trust you.”

The Doctor looked like he was being slapped. His eyes looked sad and tired. "After everything we have gone through together, how can you not trust me?“

"I am afraid of you. I know I am just human. I know traveling with you is dangerous and that someday I will eventually die. But I have always trust you to have my back, to protect me when it matters. But you told him to just go ahead and kill me!”

“It was just a bluff. I would never let him kill you.” The Doctor pleaded. “Please, (name), you can’t leave…”

“I can’t stay. I am sorry, Doctor. I just…”

“I am sorry too.”

You glanced up at him and saw a dark look on his face. You took a step back away from him in fear.

He glanced down at you as he walked toward you slowly. “Don’t be afraid of me, (name), not you…”

You tried to stay put as he stood before you. He raised a hand over your head. He tentatively wiped your tears with his thumb. He bend his head toward your ear and whispered something to you.

7777

_You woke up to the sound of bird song inside the Tardis even though you were pretty sure you were at home just before. Were you really at home though? Didn’t you decided to stay with the Doctor? You couldn’t think straight._

_There was a man that look exactly like the Doctor, saved for his ginger hair, sunglasses and his dark clothing. He called himself the Dream Lord. He was very loud about it too._

_He insinuated the Doctor is keeping some secret from you. You said that was nothing new. But then he mentioned the secret involved yourself. He showed you a door, a vault really, with complicated lock on it._

_“How am I meant to open that?”_

_“Well not here you can’t but when you woke up and find it, just think_ _open sesame, it will work.”_

_“Seriously?” You asked in disbelief._

_“Don’t you want to know what happened after Mars?” He asked in a chilling tone._

_You froze under his gaze._

_“Find the vault. Learn the truth.”_

_That’s when the original Doctor suddenly appeared and the vault dissolved before the Doctor noticed as he was busy yelling at his twin._

You eventually woke up for real. You wondered what is that dream lord thing. The Doctor had said the dream lord is not real, just a manifestation of his darker side, influenced by psychic pollen inside the Tardis which heated up and causing both you and the Doctor caught into some dream world.

7777

You secretly tried to find the vault you saw in your dream but you couldn’t find it within the Tardis. You wondered if the dream lord is bullshitting you. Would _open sesame_ even worked to open the vault? 

But you were curious about what he said about after Mars. It was twice now a version of Doctors warned you about it.

What happened after Mars? Where did you and the Doctor go? Why can’t you remember?

You must have lost your mind because you started to hearing whispers in your head. You followed the whispers alongside the corridors within the Tardis.

_Find the vault. Learn the truth. Find the vault. Learn the truth._

It was like someone is chanting those words over and over again.

You clutched your pounding head with both hands, wishing the headache will go away.

“(name)? Are you alright? What’s wrong?” The Doctor asked.

The whispers suddenly gone and so is the headache. You glanced up at the Doctor, eyes glassy but you were relieved.

Without thinking, you rushed toward him and hugged him close. He hugged you back and rubbed your back. 

“Come on.” He led you away from the corridors. He discreetly turned to look at the corridors you both just left. The air around it started to falter, showing something hidden beneath it. He pulled an arms around you protectively.

7777

The Doctor let out a heavy sigh. That was a close call. One more step and you would have seen through the perception filter and once again find the vault.

Each time you did find the vault, he would have to erase your memories of it for you could never cope with the truth behind the vault. 

And yet for some reason, time and time again, you continued to stumble your way into the vault no matter how many times he relocated the vault, regardless the many protective layer after layer of perception filter he placed upon it.

You always ended up finding the vault, learning the painful truth behind the vault, almost like something is guiding you to find it.

After making sure you were asleep, he left you behind. He walked toward many corridors within the Tardis before stopping in front of the vault.

He pushes open the vault door with ease. He entered the room with heavy heart as he walked toward a huge tube containing a figure submerged in watery grave.

The figure within the tube is badly disfigured. The tube is connected with some complicated machinery which put the figure in deep sleep. Not far, there were some sort of bath tub containing icky white liquid. 

The Doctor sighed as he put one hand over the tube. “I swear it, (name), I will never stop finding a cure for you, until then you will have to bear seeing reality through your gangers.”

He leaned against the tube. “I’m sorry about yesterday. Your ganger got her neck snapped by a weeping angel. I know that was very unpleasant. I will do better next time to keep you safe.”

He slowly sat on the floor, staring forlornly at the floor, remembering an early ganger version of you, crying in pain, unable to fully stabilized, feeling too much pain of the original you, melting and screaming, unable to accept that you weren’t real.

_“I am real! I am (name) (last name)! I am real! I am not ganger!” You had screamed and raged amidst the pain. You were confused and in pain even though you weren’t injured at all. You were horrified to see your own skin, how wrong it feels. You watched your hideous flesh face from the reflection of the tube and screamed._

_He stared at you solemnly, eyes looking apologetic and sad. “I am so sorry.” He raised his sonic screwdriver, turned it on and vaporizing you. The eyes are always the last to go and he hates it._

The Doctor sobbed as he harshly clutched his own hair. Keeping the truth from you has been hard. And now even your ganger self is wanting to leave him. He can’t let you do that. He can’t let you leave…so he made you forget your intention. 

_He was thankful he got to the real you when he could. You weren’t grateful though, in absolute pain as you were, you begged him to kill you._

_He couldn’t do it. It would be a mercy to put you down. But he couldn’t. And so against your wishes, he put you into the tube, put you into deep sleep, pumped you full of anesthetic drug._

_You were hanging by a thread. He knew he will lose you so he forcefully bound you to himself. You will live as long as this version of himself remained alive._

_And so he fought time itself, the prophecy of his own death, to buy you more time. He will not accept another loss,_ **_no more_** _. But in order to keep you alive, he was forced to sacrifice another. He will have to live with that with the rest of his life._

_The Doctor was lonely. He didn’t want a new companion. He wanted you. So when he found out about the flesh technology, he hooked you up to it. He tampered with your memory to ensure the trauma didn’t get transferred to your ganger self._

_He found the hard way just how far gone you are and that caused some of your gangers he created descent into madness. So, he had to dig deep inside your mind, separating the damage, salvaged a semblance version of you before he could connect you into the flesh technology._

_He had to experiment with many versions of your ganger self in order to make sure you will get the best experience. Unfortunately, it didn’t always work. The flesh technology is not perfect but enough to give you a half-life._

The Doctor had no idea how River know about you and the vault. She was not pleased with it. She said he was playing God. She said he was being cruel to you. It made him angry. How dare that woman says such a thing? He did everything for you, to ensure you live. _How can him trying to keep you alive being seen as cruel?_

He could feel time is falling apart and rearranged itself around him forming a new timeline. He was supposed to die that day and regenerated into his eleventh self. But he didn’t. He cheated his death. Part of him is relieved he can postpone his own death. Because…he didn’t want to go.

**_A/N: ok, this story won’t make any sense at all. I think halfway through writing this, I lost sight of what I actually want to write. I’m not satisfied with it but honestly, i don’t think i can continue developing the storyline for it. I already use KISS to try to salvage this, erasing half of what I already write, it still won’t connect the dot though. But I already write too much of it, I figure I will just have to accept it is a failure and then dumpost it so that it will no longer occupy my mind and just filed it as finished or discontinued._ **


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